Reinventing Myself as an artist.

I wanted to write this hub as a way to both announce and solidify the reinvention of myself as an artist, but first I think its important to recap as to what has lead me to this point in my life.

For as long as I can remember I was always doing art, in one form or another, but I was always creating the kind of pieces that seem to please others instead of myself, things that I thought would be accepted by the majority of those who viewed my art. As time went on I continued down this path of always pleasing others by the actions I took in my life, worrying about what others might think of me or even what others might say as I leave the room. This paranoid mindset began to consume me, it took over every aspect of my mind that it would physically paralyze me, even to the point that I wouldn't participate in things that I enjoyed because I felt like I might be judged or ridiculed in some manner.

I quickly found myself hiding from others or making excuses of having to work, just to get out of doing something that might embarrass me in front of others. I had become a prisoner in my own mind.

In November of 2006 I landed, what I thought was the job of a lifetime, a position with a major design firm in Chicago. The companies owner was so impressed by my extensive background in themed design that he had created a new position within the company just for me. I was ecstatic, I thought all those years of hard work, challenges and trials along the way had finally paid off. I moved to Chicago within weeks of the job offer and quickly began immersing myself into the city and the job, all the while being careful to always be that diligent and creative person I had made myself out to be in order to get this job.

It wasn't long before I found myself quickly drowning in my self awareness and paranoia, I was frequently having panic attacks brought on by the overwhelming pressure I was putting on myself not to screw things up and make others think I wasn't what they hoped I would be.

Everyday I would just dread the thought of going back to work to perform the act of being the perfect Tony that everyone expected of me, I would lay there in bed playing out scenarios in my head of how I would handle any confrontation or questioning of my skills or abilities.

As days turned into week, weeks into months, things at the new job began to unravel quickly, I was missing deadlines, massive mistakes were happening on projects and the owner began to see I was falling apart. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I knew the end was coming and I did nothing to stop it. On a Tuesday morning I was called into the owners office, it was like a scene in a movie, there in front of me was the owner, my supervisor and several other people who to this day I have no idea why they were even in the room, but that's not the point, the empty seat at the end of the table was reserved for me.

What came next was what I believe the catalyst to reinvent myself, the owner began his speech about how the company felt that there just wasn't a good match here and how he felt it would be in the best interest of the company to let me go, I sat quietly and listened to him nervously go on, then he said something that stuck me like nothing ever had, it reverberated within me to my very core, and I quote " we feel that you have been a great disappointment to the position created for you here " I had never heard those words before ever in my life. I was speechless, I couldn't believe that after all the hard work and extreme effort in making sure I was the best I could be, I had disappointed someone by my actions.

They handed me my last paycheck and I walked out the door. That walk back to my apartment was perhaps the longest walk of my life. I remember replaying what had just happened over and over in my mind and how disgusted I felt with myself for allowing this to happen. Why didn't I do this better, or why didn't I try harder? By the time I got back to the apartment I felt like I had been run over by an eighteen wheeler. I was so drained all I could do was sit there staring aimlessly out the window. I felt like I had been defeated for the first time in my life and I had no one to blame but me.

When I woke up the next day I found myself lying on the floor of the apartment next to the chair I was sitting in, I had drifted into a state of numbness that I can only guess I passed out and landed on the floor. I picked myself up and managed to get dressed and walk out the door, in hopes to find something to help snap me out of this ugly feeling of guilt.

I wondered about several streets in the west side of Chicago, when I came onto a small studio gallery, the pieces displayed in the window captivated me like nothing I had ever seen before, it was like seeing the most amazing sunrise ever, I stood there for nearly fifteen minutes in awe. Finally the manager walked out and asked me if I was okay, I can only assume I looked like some deranged man standing out there peeping in. He invited me in to look around, what I saw was a gallery filled with some of the most amazing pieces I had ever seen, pieces painted planks of wood instead of the conventional canvas, a hood of an VW bug was used to create the face of a giant squid that hung from the ceiling and my favorite of all, a six foot robot made from recycled vespa parts named Louie. Every part of this gallery was displaying some of the most amazing and wonderful art I had ever seen.

But what captivated me the most about all this amazing art, was how free the energy was from each piece, by that I mean how each piece projected the artist free ability to create as they wanted, not limited by some arbitrary belief system that makes them conform to the mandates of what an artist is supposed to be like. It was the most invigorating experience of my life and the one that sparked the fire in my heart to set myself free as an artist and reinvent myself.

When I returned back to Oregon I was determined to find myself as an artist and to free myself of this imaginary prison that was holding me back. I felt like I had discovered what was really important in life and what mattered the most. I knew it was okay to let go of the belief that I had to be perfect in everything I did, I now knew I was the best at everything I did because I was okay with it, not if someone else gave me their approval. I was finally free to explore my life from a fresh perspective, one that offered new beginnings and opened new doors to the types of projects and relationships I wanted, not what was expected of me.

Today I can say that I am the artist and person I have been trying to be for nearly fifteen years, the one who is perfectly fine if you don't like me or my art, to each is own as they say, and most importantly I am the person who is okay with himself as is.

Tony V is an artist who creates magical amazing pieces that stimulate your imagination and challenge the word " normal " His art draws from the creative influences of his childhood hero's and the events that shaped and transformed his life into what it is today.....free.